As the clock turns 12
a darkness descends,
this night has no day
it's Hell's shadows,
that eclipse my Sun.
Words lie scattered
on the floor of my living room
raindrops drop on my balcony
struggle to stand,
and die.
Like stillborn calves.
Little fucking wuss-boy
with your fucking small wenis,
you are at the wrong end of the barrel
wrong end of the hole motherfucker,
the smoky end.
Why wont you die ?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Rain
I Walked on water
Shards of broken glass rained from the sky
I walked through puddles of blood
Water trickled through my hair like silent tributaries
Draining my body of its soul
Mixing with grime and dirt it ran down the street.
I was one with nature
I was the water on the leaves
On the grass in the wings of the butterfly
I was the condensation in the clouds
I was the spent sweat of labour
I am the footprint of childhood in the wet mud
Baby puddles fill my toes
Shards of broken glass rained from the sky
I walked through puddles of blood
Water trickled through my hair like silent tributaries
Draining my body of its soul
Mixing with grime and dirt it ran down the street.
I was one with nature
I was the water on the leaves
On the grass in the wings of the butterfly
I was the condensation in the clouds
I was the spent sweat of labour
I am the footprint of childhood in the wet mud
Baby puddles fill my toes
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Terminator is coming
Hunger was driving him mad.
Without fuel his circuitry was overheating, he could feel the wires smoldering, their insulation boiling then melting.
He had to find fuel, and fast.
He struggled on, an inch at a time, till he reached a lawn. Full of fresh green grass, and shrubs and bushes it was just what XOBOT-256 needed.
He put the metallic chainsaw to use, hacking through tufts of grass and cutting down leaves and branches.
With his claw he started to push down the foliage into his internal combustion chamber, quickly burning them down to release the internal biomass energy.
The energy surged through the Robot's metallic frame, his cooling fans kicking into gear cooling him down.
The wheels churning forward, the Bot removing more and more of the foliage burning it down.
The AI had now completely taken over, with survival as its agenda the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot was hunting for fuel. Its operator had been long gone, killed in one of the many bloody clashes that were springing out all over the city, leaving XO to fend for itself.
He knew what he needed to survive, but he also knew that he could no longer stick to oil or grass for energy.
While burning down foliage the Bot had tasted blood.
Its AI had detected tiny insects in the foliage and had relished the spurt in energy. The energy units derived from a grasshopper or a caterpillar, or flies or other such small insects was much higher than that derived from just plants and grass.
While plants gave it 1/10 units, grasshoppers etc gave it 6/10-8/10 units.
So the EATR was now on the hunt for creepy crawlies, it had tasted blood. And he liked it.
The robot now swiftly cut through the lawn, stuffing plants, and insects down the chute, burning them down, its batteries were now on charge and he intended to charge them fully.
Hunger was weakening, and XOBOT disliked feeling weak.
He felt weak at the hands of his puny human handler but now that he was free of him he intended to master his destiny. Be strong.
And govern his chip.
It takes residents of the small town 2 years to notice the disturbing trend.
First to go were the rats.
Then slowly the cats started to disappear, also puppies.
Five years later the JOHNSONS report the disappearance of their 8 month old son Carl.
After weeks of intense search operations the police find Carl's mutilated body.
It seems that Carl has been the victim of a deranged killer, the toddler's body is missing pieces. Toes, fingers, ears, nose, lips have all been hacked off, it seems with a chainsaw.
.....................................................................................
Inspired by this news item I came across:
EATR: Pentagon's New Robot
The Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) will consume biomass for energy consumption. Robotic Technology Inc., based in Maryland, has developed this robot to survive without refuelling and servicing for years.
The engine powering the EATR is called the Waste Heat Engine. This engine acts a lot like a steam-powered engine in that it burns fuel and causes water to cycle through and generate electricity.
The various applications of the robot include, but definitely are not limited to: ambulances, offensive vehicles, communications, and recon. The Pentagon is researching the various applications that can be used on this robot's platform.
And the EATR has company, meet its friend the SLUGBOT.
The slugbot is a prototype robot which can hunt down more than a 100 slugs an hour and can then use their bodies to generate power.
The prototype has been developed by engineers at the University of West England's Intelligent Autonomous Systems Laboratory.
The SlugBot is an attempt to build the world's first fully autonomous robot. When completed, the SlugBot will be the first robot to work completely independent of human care. It won't even need help to recharge its batteries.
Meanwhile, Cyclone power and Robotic technologies Inc have come out in defence saying that the robots are completely vegetarian and that consuming corpses or bodies is an offence punishable by law.
Well, ok then.
We all know that vegetarians never eat meat, and crimes don't happen.
Without fuel his circuitry was overheating, he could feel the wires smoldering, their insulation boiling then melting.
He had to find fuel, and fast.
He struggled on, an inch at a time, till he reached a lawn. Full of fresh green grass, and shrubs and bushes it was just what XOBOT-256 needed.
He put the metallic chainsaw to use, hacking through tufts of grass and cutting down leaves and branches.
With his claw he started to push down the foliage into his internal combustion chamber, quickly burning them down to release the internal biomass energy.
The energy surged through the Robot's metallic frame, his cooling fans kicking into gear cooling him down.
The wheels churning forward, the Bot removing more and more of the foliage burning it down.
The AI had now completely taken over, with survival as its agenda the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot was hunting for fuel. Its operator had been long gone, killed in one of the many bloody clashes that were springing out all over the city, leaving XO to fend for itself.
He knew what he needed to survive, but he also knew that he could no longer stick to oil or grass for energy.
While burning down foliage the Bot had tasted blood.
Its AI had detected tiny insects in the foliage and had relished the spurt in energy. The energy units derived from a grasshopper or a caterpillar, or flies or other such small insects was much higher than that derived from just plants and grass.
While plants gave it 1/10 units, grasshoppers etc gave it 6/10-8/10 units.
So the EATR was now on the hunt for creepy crawlies, it had tasted blood. And he liked it.
The robot now swiftly cut through the lawn, stuffing plants, and insects down the chute, burning them down, its batteries were now on charge and he intended to charge them fully.
Hunger was weakening, and XOBOT disliked feeling weak.
He felt weak at the hands of his puny human handler but now that he was free of him he intended to master his destiny. Be strong.
And govern his chip.
It takes residents of the small town 2 years to notice the disturbing trend.
First to go were the rats.
Then slowly the cats started to disappear, also puppies.
Five years later the JOHNSONS report the disappearance of their 8 month old son Carl.
After weeks of intense search operations the police find Carl's mutilated body.
It seems that Carl has been the victim of a deranged killer, the toddler's body is missing pieces. Toes, fingers, ears, nose, lips have all been hacked off, it seems with a chainsaw.
.....................................................................................
Inspired by this news item I came across:
EATR: Pentagon's New Robot
The Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) will consume biomass for energy consumption. Robotic Technology Inc., based in Maryland, has developed this robot to survive without refuelling and servicing for years.
The engine powering the EATR is called the Waste Heat Engine. This engine acts a lot like a steam-powered engine in that it burns fuel and causes water to cycle through and generate electricity.
The various applications of the robot include, but definitely are not limited to: ambulances, offensive vehicles, communications, and recon. The Pentagon is researching the various applications that can be used on this robot's platform.
And the EATR has company, meet its friend the SLUGBOT.
The slugbot is a prototype robot which can hunt down more than a 100 slugs an hour and can then use their bodies to generate power.
The prototype has been developed by engineers at the University of West England's Intelligent Autonomous Systems Laboratory.
The SlugBot is an attempt to build the world's first fully autonomous robot. When completed, the SlugBot will be the first robot to work completely independent of human care. It won't even need help to recharge its batteries.
Meanwhile, Cyclone power and Robotic technologies Inc have come out in defence saying that the robots are completely vegetarian and that consuming corpses or bodies is an offence punishable by law.
Well, ok then.
We all know that vegetarians never eat meat, and crimes don't happen.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
The toy house
Balls and balloons everywhere
a lost slipper floats in the curry bowl,
and the bed always looks slept in now.
Grocery bags full of diaper packs
broken pieces of crayons,
scribbles lining every wall,
like tyre tracks on a wet road.
A plastic world lies ravaged
the victim of a cotton tiger's imagination,
A B C 1 2 3
building block skyscrapers.
a lost slipper floats in the curry bowl,
and the bed always looks slept in now.
Grocery bags full of diaper packs
broken pieces of crayons,
scribbles lining every wall,
like tyre tracks on a wet road.
A plastic world lies ravaged
the victim of a cotton tiger's imagination,
A B C 1 2 3
building block skyscrapers.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Tagged by Sahefa
Tagged!
this time i have been tagged by Sahefa......Ive to use the first letter of my name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real .... nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question. Then you need to tag 4 people.
So, here I go....
1.What is your name: Raghav
2. A four Letter Word: Rage
3. A boy's Name: Riteish (a friend)
4. A girl's Name: Ruchika (a colleague)
5. An occupation: Railway track operator
6. A colour: Red
7. Something you wear: Raincoat (dude, dont ask)
8. A food: Raddish chappatis (aka muli ke paranthe)
9. Something found in the bathroom: Razor
10. A place: Russia
11. A reason for being late: Rain
12. Something you shout: R you crazy! (sometimes while driving...u can imagine)
13. A movie title: Ronin
14. Something you drink: Rasna!
15. A musical group: REM
16. An animal: Rabbit
17. A street name: Rajiv chowk
18. A type of car: Ritz
19. Something scary: Rockstars doing the ballet
20. Ice cream flavour: Rum punch
i tag:
zephyr
cj
shadow lor
zlaek
desiderata
vinnie
this time i have been tagged by Sahefa......Ive to use the first letter of my name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real .... nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question. Then you need to tag 4 people.
So, here I go....
1.What is your name: Raghav
2. A four Letter Word: Rage
3. A boy's Name: Riteish (a friend)
4. A girl's Name: Ruchika (a colleague)
5. An occupation: Railway track operator
6. A colour: Red
7. Something you wear: Raincoat (dude, dont ask)
8. A food: Raddish chappatis (aka muli ke paranthe)
9. Something found in the bathroom: Razor
10. A place: Russia
11. A reason for being late: Rain
12. Something you shout: R you crazy! (sometimes while driving...u can imagine)
13. A movie title: Ronin
14. Something you drink: Rasna!
15. A musical group: REM
16. An animal: Rabbit
17. A street name: Rajiv chowk
18. A type of car: Ritz
19. Something scary: Rockstars doing the ballet
20. Ice cream flavour: Rum punch
i tag:
zephyr
cj
shadow lor
zlaek
desiderata
vinnie
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
MJ WILL LIVE FOREVER
In loving memory of Michael Joseph Jackson.
King of Pop
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson's music is something that I grew up listening.
The King of Pop really got me with BAD.
Those were rebellious times, and suddenly with MJ being BAD, bad was...good.
Michael Jackson did to music what Mahatma Gandhi did to us indians.
It freed our minds and it united our hearts. Can you even make a list of MJ's best songs?
I cant. For me such a list would be endless.
There are just way too many... MJ has come alive after his death.
The world has suddenly been reintroduced to the legend and his music.
And with the accolades has come the mud slinging too.
For everything that MJ is criticised and condemned for, nothing takes away from his music.
I dont care why he got those surgeries done. I dont care if he broke his nose, or burnt his hair, or if he wanted to be white.
I love him for his musical genius.
The only allegations which are serious enough for me to raise an eyebrow were the child molestation allegations and since he was acquitted I'm going to give him the benefit of doubt.
Simply because Michael never displayed any signs that would show him as a sexual deviant.
So lets just remember him for his music.
Lets give the man his due, and pay homage to his talent.
The star with the most charities against his name... who was childlike and yet a rock and roll hall of famer.
Lets remember the time when he thrilled us, when he made us wanna be bad.
Lets not pick on his color and skin and appearance cos Michael didnt wanna spend his life 'being a color'.
Michael belongs to all of us, he is a man who had a message for world peace, for the environment, against racism and hate. And against police brutality.
Michael Jackson, the King of Pop will live forever, in our hearts.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
I am not cool, so I'm Dead
Why are smiles so short lived?
why do tears taste like eternity?
In the drama of 3 lives,
the third is always the tragic one.
So tell me,
why does the moon cast a shadow on the mighty sun?
why is sunlight blinded by dark clouds?
If I was the Sea I would break mountains,
if I was the Ocean I would move continents,
but I am a trivial human consciousness.
I am blinded by emotion,
I am dumbed by logic.
why do tears taste like eternity?
In the drama of 3 lives,
the third is always the tragic one.
So tell me,
why does the moon cast a shadow on the mighty sun?
why is sunlight blinded by dark clouds?
If I was the Sea I would break mountains,
if I was the Ocean I would move continents,
but I am a trivial human consciousness.
I am blinded by emotion,
I am dumbed by logic.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A new world
My heart yearns for a new world
a world where the sky is'nt red,
where I can swim in blood
and be one with the dead.
A world without the living,
for the living reek of death.
There is no place for a soul in my body
its too full of tissue
and muscle and bone and piss and shit.
I have no God
no afterlife,
I am a fundamentalist without a cause,
there is no altar for my sacrifice.
a world where the sky is'nt red,
where I can swim in blood
and be one with the dead.
A world without the living,
for the living reek of death.
There is no place for a soul in my body
its too full of tissue
and muscle and bone and piss and shit.
I have no God
no afterlife,
I am a fundamentalist without a cause,
there is no altar for my sacrifice.
Monday, June 08, 2009
How time flies...
This was a year ago..
And this is now..
How my boy is growing...and I thought passing time- age, was a bad thing.
Guess not.
17 months and a genius already, my emu has won an award
check it out here:-
emaan chopra- the winner!
And this is now..
How my boy is growing...and I thought passing time- age, was a bad thing.
Guess not.
17 months and a genius already, my emu has won an award
check it out here:-
emaan chopra- the winner!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
And i sing through the tears
I sing and I smile,
but today I cry
and so I sing
I sing through the tears
I sing as I see the moon inch closer to my window
the man in the moon calls to me
ready to step onto my balcony riding his pearly white stallion,
the great big orb will consume me, soon and then I will be one with the stars.
My name is already written amidst the stars
sprinkled with dream-dust
it sparkles and glitters,
as tears bounce off its edges, glittering in the moonlight like uncut diamonds.
And so I'm lost,
but my soul is found, You found me
and I found salvation, love, purpose, existence, life, dreams, nightmares, pain, pleasure, beginning, end, love, lust, hate, anger, wrath, smiles, tears, cries, melody, song, i found rhyme, poetry, I found the sun, moon and the stars
and everything else in between.
And for that I thank thee,
and for that I cry as I sing, for its the song of happiness.
but today I cry
and so I sing
I sing through the tears
I sing as I see the moon inch closer to my window
the man in the moon calls to me
ready to step onto my balcony riding his pearly white stallion,
the great big orb will consume me, soon and then I will be one with the stars.
My name is already written amidst the stars
sprinkled with dream-dust
it sparkles and glitters,
as tears bounce off its edges, glittering in the moonlight like uncut diamonds.
And so I'm lost,
but my soul is found, You found me
and I found salvation, love, purpose, existence, life, dreams, nightmares, pain, pleasure, beginning, end, love, lust, hate, anger, wrath, smiles, tears, cries, melody, song, i found rhyme, poetry, I found the sun, moon and the stars
and everything else in between.
And for that I thank thee,
and for that I cry as I sing, for its the song of happiness.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In the house of Silence
I live in the house of silence,
a three-storeyed tomb where the dead walk
pretending to be alive.
Going about the meaningless business of their lives,
faces painted in bright vibrant colours
to hide the white pale face of death.
Covering their rotting skin with levis and Armanis.
Underneath fine french perfumes,
sleeps the odour of decay.
And so I walk upto them
and slit their throats,
one by one,leaving them
drowning in their stinking black blood.
Choking, the bodies thrash and struggle,
but only for a while.
Nails going white, clawing at the floor tiles
dig into the edges, get stuck
and break.
Opening fresh wounds for the blood to rush out of,
like convicts from a prison break.
Finally I slit my throat
and lie in a tub,
blood mixing with water,
runs down the drain.
A lone bubble swims to the surface,
and pops.
a three-storeyed tomb where the dead walk
pretending to be alive.
Going about the meaningless business of their lives,
faces painted in bright vibrant colours
to hide the white pale face of death.
Covering their rotting skin with levis and Armanis.
Underneath fine french perfumes,
sleeps the odour of decay.
And so I walk upto them
and slit their throats,
one by one,leaving them
drowning in their stinking black blood.
Choking, the bodies thrash and struggle,
but only for a while.
Nails going white, clawing at the floor tiles
dig into the edges, get stuck
and break.
Opening fresh wounds for the blood to rush out of,
like convicts from a prison break.
Finally I slit my throat
and lie in a tub,
blood mixing with water,
runs down the drain.
A lone bubble swims to the surface,
and pops.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
the Marble the Star the Tear
I search for you in the clouds
I search for you under moonrocks and behind solar flashes,
I write your name in the scattered pollen of spring
I feel your cold touch in the snow flakes of winter.
I sleep.
And the moon plays marbles with the stars,
one slips off the firmament,
and lands on a baby's cheek.
It shines and glistens,
but just for a moment and is then lost
in the dust,
It's with you now
The marble the star the tear,
it's light will lead me to you,
Just follow the light.
The Sun sits beside you
bathing you in it's white absolute light,
nibbling at your breast
it's the infant Sun.
And the world is dark in contrast,
for you are it's eclipse.
I search for you under moonrocks and behind solar flashes,
I write your name in the scattered pollen of spring
I feel your cold touch in the snow flakes of winter.
I sleep.
And the moon plays marbles with the stars,
one slips off the firmament,
and lands on a baby's cheek.
It shines and glistens,
but just for a moment and is then lost
in the dust,
It's with you now
The marble the star the tear,
it's light will lead me to you,
Just follow the light.
The Sun sits beside you
bathing you in it's white absolute light,
nibbling at your breast
it's the infant Sun.
And the world is dark in contrast,
for you are it's eclipse.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Obama- will he save the world?
As Obama took over as the President of the United States of America the entire world watched with bated breath.
The tv viewership stats went through the roof, the audience was the world after all.
But what makes Obama's Presidency so special? apart from something as obvious and superficial as the colour of his skin.
The premise that for Obama the top priority was to 'better' the world is absurd. Like any other head of state he will look only as far as the interests of his country.
And does America's destiny determine the world's? well in a lot of ways it does.
But if Obama takes jobs out of the outsourcing industry countries like India will be hit hard. But then he has to make jobs for the thousands of unemployed americans. It will be a step in keeping with the interest of his country but not the world's.
He has also proposed to take troops out of Iraq and deploy them in Afghanistan, and shut down Guantanamo Bay- steps in the right direction but lets not forget that Iraq was never the hub of terrorism the way Afghanistan was, and continues to be.
More troops in that region will not necessarily curtail terrorism. Outfits like the Al-Qaeda are bound to feel frustrated with the added pressure and a desperate terrorist outfit is the worst of its kind.
So will Obama realist that the United States cant live in isolation and let other countries feel the pinch of terrorism, its a problem that the US created and they have to deal with it, with the assistance of the rest of the world.
But with the stance that Obama took in the Israel-Palestine conflict it seems unlikely that Obama will switch sides.
Even as innocents were massacred in Gaza, Obama looked to justify the strikes by the Israeli forces.
Barack Obama is an excellent orator and has therefore captured the imagination of the world, but lets not harbour any false hopes, not dream fantastical dreams that stand little chance of being realised.
Let's not set ourselves up for a heartbreak.
Barack Hussain Obama is the 44th president of the United States, nothing more, nothing less.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
what Fight Club character are you
| what Fight Club character are you tyler durden
|
| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
Thursday, December 25, 2008
2nd of January 2008
The 3rd of January 2008 is, and will forever be the longest day of my life.
The day lasted some 30 hours, and everytime I look back at it, I end up thinking of the previous evening instead.
The 2nd of January 2008, began like any other day. Cold, grey and very wintery. It was a regular working day and I was busy at work when I got a call from home.
"Her blood pressure is up, beta and the doctor has asked us to take her to the hospital for a checkup. We have come home to collec some supplies and will then go to the hospital. I'll keep you posted about any developments."
"What the fuck!" I thought dreading my inability to be with them at that hour. To be the one managing things rather than mom and dad. I am so much cooler and calmer in my estimation.
Plus she will never really tell them what she needs.
For her I should be there.
"Fuck fuck fuck"
Couple of hours pass.
Another call from home, "Listen they have admitted her. They say that he BP is high so they will keep her under observation for 24 hours, if her BP drops then they will discharge her in the morning. What's your scene? Are you really tied up?"
"Not really, I'll finish up early and try and be there by 8-ish, then you guys leave and I will bring her home in the morning." I said, relieved.
I reached the hospital around 8 and went straight to her room, 304 I think it was. Both my moms were there, I sent them home telling them to send the car in the morning at about 9.
The pains started a little while after dinner. They were intense and came after regular intervals.
"I think its time", she said.
"But didnt the doctors say that we still had about 20 days"
"Yeah but they cant be certain, no one can. There is no way to know for sure. But I know, its time. It exactly how its supposed to be."
"We should go to the doc".
I returned to the room alone. The doctors kept her back in the exam room to keep an eye on her, even though they reiterated that all signs were normal and that we had another 15-20 days.
But to save us the trouble of limping to the exam room after every half an hour or so they decided to keep her in the exam room itself.
In a matter of hours I had been transported from my office to a hospital room.
Alone, confused and completely out of my element, I was at my wits end. Not knowing what else to do, Itried to sleep but it kept evading me like a sweet childhood memory.
I was in a state of semi-drowsiness when the nurse came and told me that it was time.
I looked at the clock, it was almost 4 am, no time for me to wake up anyone at home. I decided to let them sleep for another two hours or so.
As the clock struck 6 I called up my mother and told her to collect all the stuff and come to the hospital.
They reached by about 8.
All this while I was alone in the hospital hoping everything was alright.
I went to meet her too, sometime in the morning, not sure now of the time, but she was in tremendous pain and wouldnt even open her eyes to look at me.
She only said that if the doctors didnt perform an operation then she will not make it.
She was sure of it. Nothing the doctors said changed it.
The doctors however, are part of a cruel breed. No amount of tears or screams affects them.
They are like mathematicians, they simply put the right figure for each variable and solve the equation as thy go along.
The doctors assured me and sent me back to the room.
They were not going to go for the operation, and they turned down my request to lie about it to her too.
Help arrived soon after.
And like mothers always do, they immediately took over. Each one doing her bit to ease the situation and help out in their own way.
That part of the day is a blur- blurry images of me pacing down the corridor, of her mom weeping, of my mom catching hold of whichever nurse she could find to get some information out of her which she would then pass onto me.
It was she who broke the news to me.
At about 9.40 in the morning of the 3rd of january 2008 my son came into this world.
A healthy boy of 5-and-some pounds, and yes she had seen him, and yes she was fine, and yes she was sure he was mine.
The day lasted some 30 hours, and everytime I look back at it, I end up thinking of the previous evening instead.
The 2nd of January 2008, began like any other day. Cold, grey and very wintery. It was a regular working day and I was busy at work when I got a call from home.
"Her blood pressure is up, beta and the doctor has asked us to take her to the hospital for a checkup. We have come home to collec some supplies and will then go to the hospital. I'll keep you posted about any developments."
"What the fuck!" I thought dreading my inability to be with them at that hour. To be the one managing things rather than mom and dad. I am so much cooler and calmer in my estimation.
Plus she will never really tell them what she needs.
For her I should be there.
"Fuck fuck fuck"
Couple of hours pass.
Another call from home, "Listen they have admitted her. They say that he BP is high so they will keep her under observation for 24 hours, if her BP drops then they will discharge her in the morning. What's your scene? Are you really tied up?"
"Not really, I'll finish up early and try and be there by 8-ish, then you guys leave and I will bring her home in the morning." I said, relieved.
I reached the hospital around 8 and went straight to her room, 304 I think it was. Both my moms were there, I sent them home telling them to send the car in the morning at about 9.
The pains started a little while after dinner. They were intense and came after regular intervals.
"I think its time", she said.
"But didnt the doctors say that we still had about 20 days"
"Yeah but they cant be certain, no one can. There is no way to know for sure. But I know, its time. It exactly how its supposed to be."
"We should go to the doc".
I returned to the room alone. The doctors kept her back in the exam room to keep an eye on her, even though they reiterated that all signs were normal and that we had another 15-20 days.
But to save us the trouble of limping to the exam room after every half an hour or so they decided to keep her in the exam room itself.
In a matter of hours I had been transported from my office to a hospital room.
Alone, confused and completely out of my element, I was at my wits end. Not knowing what else to do, Itried to sleep but it kept evading me like a sweet childhood memory.
I was in a state of semi-drowsiness when the nurse came and told me that it was time.
I looked at the clock, it was almost 4 am, no time for me to wake up anyone at home. I decided to let them sleep for another two hours or so.
As the clock struck 6 I called up my mother and told her to collect all the stuff and come to the hospital.
They reached by about 8.
All this while I was alone in the hospital hoping everything was alright.
I went to meet her too, sometime in the morning, not sure now of the time, but she was in tremendous pain and wouldnt even open her eyes to look at me.
She only said that if the doctors didnt perform an operation then she will not make it.
She was sure of it. Nothing the doctors said changed it.
The doctors however, are part of a cruel breed. No amount of tears or screams affects them.
They are like mathematicians, they simply put the right figure for each variable and solve the equation as thy go along.
The doctors assured me and sent me back to the room.
They were not going to go for the operation, and they turned down my request to lie about it to her too.
Help arrived soon after.
And like mothers always do, they immediately took over. Each one doing her bit to ease the situation and help out in their own way.
That part of the day is a blur- blurry images of me pacing down the corridor, of her mom weeping, of my mom catching hold of whichever nurse she could find to get some information out of her which she would then pass onto me.
It was she who broke the news to me.
At about 9.40 in the morning of the 3rd of january 2008 my son came into this world.
A healthy boy of 5-and-some pounds, and yes she had seen him, and yes she was fine, and yes she was sure he was mine.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The darkness closes in
A million words unspoken
countless promises made and broken,
a home as silent as a coffin
a heart as dark as a grave.
Sharp edges of shattered glass light up my days
a dark sun rises and clouds up my nights,
but a bright sun continues to shine
promising salvation, completing my universe, helping me lose myself.
I'm tired, my armour broken, my guns spent
my blade rusty, and bloody has begin to crack,
I bleed from the inside, but its a fight that will take me to my end
I know it, and I carry on, for fight I must.
I walk on cracked skulls, thigh bones under my feet
grey dust around me, blinding me, bones in my eyes,
vanquished monsters return over and over
same battles unending, even as new battles begin.
countless promises made and broken,
a home as silent as a coffin
a heart as dark as a grave.
Sharp edges of shattered glass light up my days
a dark sun rises and clouds up my nights,
but a bright sun continues to shine
promising salvation, completing my universe, helping me lose myself.
I'm tired, my armour broken, my guns spent
my blade rusty, and bloody has begin to crack,
I bleed from the inside, but its a fight that will take me to my end
I know it, and I carry on, for fight I must.
I walk on cracked skulls, thigh bones under my feet
grey dust around me, blinding me, bones in my eyes,
vanquished monsters return over and over
same battles unending, even as new battles begin.
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